The following are notes from my workshop on true love.  If you need more explanation about anything here, or if you have a specific relationship issue you have a question about, let me know.

1) Understand the difference between love and romance.
a. Worship keeps you distant.
b. True love is an opportunity to love a flawed person and love yourself.
c. To keep up romance, come up with a romance list.

2) We are attracted to people who share our parents’ traits – both good and bad.
a. Your negative reaction is less about your partner and more about your past.  It reveals emotional work left to do.
b. We are attempting to get from our partners what we most wanted from our parents and never got.  If a couple works together, they can heal their childhood wounds.
c. Read Harville Hendricks, Getting the Love You Want.

3) Those who clear their past build a strong foundation for relationship.

4) Remember that people are different.  
a. Though not necessarily the case, men may want to be alone when they are upset, he tends to want to fix things, and he wants acknowledgement for his service.
b. Though not necessarily true, women tend to want to be listened to.  They want understanding and compassion, and they try to give the same when others are in distress. 

5) Do unto others what they want done for themselves.  
a. We tend to give what we would want to be given.
b. Does your partner feel loved by acts of service, gifts, verbal remarks, or physical affection?  Have each other make a list.
c. You could also make a fun list and a surprise list.

6) Break down barriers and build an honest relationship with authentic listening.
a. Practice reflective listening when there is conflict.  Use the language, “I hear that you are….Is that right?  Is there more?”
b. Mirror feeling especially.
c. Don’t defend, explain, advise, analyze, try to fix, or discount feelings.
d. Continue to ask is there more until there is no more.  
e. If your partner has agreed in advance to use this process, then you would flip the speaking and listening parts at this point.
Read a bit more on reflective listening here.

7) Work on being two whole people standing next to each other in their power.
a. Spend time apart.
b. Think about what you would want if you were alone.
c. Ask for what you want.  Be willing to take turns and compromise, but don’t sacrifice who you are.
d. Doing what the other wants (or what you imagine they want) all the time leads to unhappiness and resentment.
e. Standing in your power leads to mutual respect and attraction.

People become how you see them and treat them.   See someone as aggravating and treat them with disdain, and they will appear unlovable.  Choose to see someone’s gifts and treat them as special, and they will show up as wonderful.

Also, visit Dmitri’s page that includes comments from his friends – what makes a great relationship. 

I’d love to get your comments!